My love affair with everything Arsenal started when at age 6, my (wonderful) older brother Steve took me to my first game at Highbury. He had worked up to this by introducing me to our local team Barnet, but he knew Underhill was never going to capture my imagination like the beautiful Art Deco palace in N5.  Everyone remembers their first game, the journey, the noise, the seats, the score, even the smell and unsurprisingly I was hooked. My cousin Su Su worked for Arsenal in their office and we used to meet up with her, my other cousin Lol and my uncle Merv – football was a real family affair.  So it was of great surprise to me when I realised my old man was a Tottenham fan (as the song goes).  I mean I knew he didn’t come to Arsenal but I had no idea really what a ‘Tottenham’ fan meant. When it sank in I was amazed. “But why Dad?” I would continually ask him.

As I got older he used to give me a bit of stick and I would give him some back. In 1987, aged 10, I remember singing “Sky Blues - Shooting to Win,” the Coventry FA cup single, for literally months after they beat Spurs in the final. He used to stick bacon out of the corner of his mouth and pretend it was Rocky’s tongue following the incident where he nearly swallowed it. We used to call the derby “The big one, the shakedown, the payoff” after the Dandy Dan’s speech in Bugsy Malone.

But under it all he was still my Daddy.  After going to the 1991 semi final when we were beaten by Gazza he took me for a comfort ice cream outside of Wembley following full time. I stood in the queue dejected and this wee lad of about 10 decked out entirely in Spud stuff pointed and laughed at me in a manner that precluded the Simpsons’ Nelson. My dad told him firmly to “Bugger Off.”  Brilliant. But as I grew I realised that most Spurs fans aren’t like my lovely Scottish Dad. Most are ‘orrible. Take my brothers best mate Geoff for example. On every other subject he is eloquent, funny, witty and occasionally charming. Talk about football and it’s like someone gave him a swig of cunt juice. Mouth, mouth, mouth, mouth and some more spare mouth.  He actually asked me before the Barcelona match how it felt not to be going to Wembley this year. I replied that I couldn’t stop and talk as I was off to the Emirates to watch us play fucking Barcelona. He really didn’t see my point.

In 2002 aged 25 I met my husband. Both our best friends were seeing each other at the time and in turn set us up. I joked with his friend Dean (also a Spud) that yes I would be delighted to double date and watch the scum get beat in the pub the next day. There was a deathly quiet to which Jason (my other half) replied “Why? What team do you support?” His face fell at my reply and we both sized each other up for a moment. I asked for my telephone number back. Anyway he says that at the time he thought it was one of those bird things, you know (no I don’t) when they say they support a team when ‘really’ they don’t. Putting such casual sexism aside and back to the story, we went on the date, are now married and have a daughter. My best friend Kelly presented me with a Gooner shirt displaying my new and Tottenham related surname “Sheehan” on my wedding day. My god how we laughed. Their name on the back of an Arsenal shirt, priceless. 

My favourite work friend Kevin (RIP love you) was a Charlton fan.  He bought us 2 tickets for the Spuds game at the Valley. So I thought, it’s a non event game, I could experience being a Spud for the day, you know – how the other half lives kinda thing. I actually felt quite excited, like an undercover agent infiltrating the enemy camp. I spent 90 minutes standing, only being able to see the arse of the fat wanker in front. Every time it was suggested that we sit for our viewing pleasure a barrack of abuse went up so fiercely that you would have been forgiven for believing the stadium announcer had just revealed he had butt-fucked all of our grand mothers.  I like to think I’d give a sailor a run for his money in the cussing stakes but I had added at least 10 new words and phrases to my vocabulary by full time and this was just a match against the inoffensive Charlton. Everything had the underlying theme of menace, even they way they spit their theme song “Yids” makes my blood run cold. Charlton had the nerve to win and the train ride home was the longest 2 hours of my life.  Whenever we host them at the Emirates it’s always a joy to watch them phlegm on the Arsenal tube station sign as they get off the train. And this behaviour in front of their children. Nice. I do love it when the Hammers sing “We hate Tottenham more than you” and I am ashamed the Gooners don’t get involved in this classic banter a bit more.  After this disaster in the interests of making him see some sense I took him to Arsenal Vs Farnborough in the cup. We won 5-1 on a lazy sunny day in 2003 and there was a streaker. It was all together a lovely day illustrating the difference between them and us but I guess for him it was just too nice and he sulked back to his misery down the Seven Sisters road.

So anyway I am really not sure why they go to football or what they get out of it because they certainly don’t seem to enjoy it much. Bar that 5-1 anomaly I have obviously had the bragging rights for the whole of my 8 year relationship. He did buy the infamous DVD.  I have scratched it badly and returned it quietly to its case. If he ever discovers this I shall blame my 2 year old daughter and feel no guilt. It was for the best. Although I have to tell you if he went near my ‘Invincibles’ DVD with any evil intent he would be drinking his Fosters though straws for the rest of his life and “Pardon?” would be the phase he most heard after speaking. One rule for him and one for me – the secret of a happy marriage. Today I had a day of peace while he went out and helped the rest of the Spud community direct their inferiority complex anger against poor old Portsmouth. 

Wednesday night is D Day, the big one the shake down the pay off. To further quote the underworld legend Dandy Dan “It’s got to be cool, it’s got to be neat it’s got to be quick” I feel this will be the weakest team we will have put out in front of them for a long time and they had bloody better step up or I am going to have to go into hiding. Not playing for a week has only heightened our expectation and they have had the semi final including extra time today to tire them out.  After that shock result you have to think they are going to come at us teeth bared. Fourth place is their last chance of any glory this season now. Redknapp seems to be playing the Fergie and Rooney game with Lennon’s return but even if he is in, hopefully Clichy is back to usual service enough to keep him in check. I believe Bale will be one to watch as he has matured this season, is extremely quick and provides great distribution. 

For us, Sol has been speaking in the papers about the “sentimental” reception he will receive from the WHL faithful. I tell you, he continually reminds me why he is a Gooner legend every time he opens his gob. What I don’t need to tell you is that we need a result to keep our Prem challenge alive. It would be a massive win especially after Manure dropped points away to Blackburn. Big, big, game Gooners, big, big, game.

There is more team news and preview from Gunnertalk to come so keep checking back right here. Plus in preparation why not take a look at Gunnertalk Episode 2 – Spurs Halloween Horror Show and relive the wonderful 3-0 from earlier this season.

COME ON YOU GUNNERS.